Down the Rabbit Hole

This next poem is my first poem I ever performed in front of an audience at a poetry reading. It is one of my proudest.

Knock, knock

Wonderland, interrupted

My mental croquet game paused

What is it now?

I open the door to find an old phantom

What are you doing here?

I thought you vanished from my life forever

Why can't you leave me to my madness?

Like I've said before, I like to draw inspiration from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" for some of my poems in this book. This poem is about someone from the past who returns unexpectedly.

Wait

You look different

You're not the same phantom I left behind nearly a year ago

You show new signs of age, your thirties so different than your twenties

You lost so much weight, there's hardly an of you left

You lost color in your face, you're so pale

Even your smile is different

You're not actually smiling

But I can't see it in your eyes anymore

And that makes me sad for some reason

My returning phantom doesn't look the same. Time and age have made their impact, heartbreak has a way of making us lose weight and color. My favorite lines I wrote were about not seeing the smile in the phantom's eyes.

You look broken

Your back has a hump in it

You're sucking the life out of my reckless atmosphere

You look like a wimpy butterfly that's retreated into its cocoon for safety

It's hard to believe that this is the Jabberwock I slayed and walked away from

I refer to the phantom as a "Jabberwock." I had good reason to walk away from this person, but at this point in the poem, you can't help but pity the phantom.

You ask me what I want

I tell you I don't know

You ask me why I called you the night before

I tell you that I was lonely

You ask me why I like to play games with you

I tell you it's no fun to be so far down here all on my own

You rub the bruises on your arms

The ones I left you with when I pushed you away from me

I realize you're still standing in the doorway

I haven't let you in yet

At this point, I think it's interesting to point out that I haven't let this person into my home yet. There's this cinematic moment of having a stand off with someone in your doorway--that intense moment of "Do I let you in? Do I close the door on you?"

But it's late

I take pity on you

I walk you in and over to my couch

Like the Mock Turtle, you were once real

Like Alice, I was once small

Like the Caterpillar, you made me question who I really was

Like the Knave of Hearts, you accused me of stealing from you

Like the White Rabbit, so much time escaped the both of us

I finally let the phantom in, but not without reflecting on how much damage had been done to the both of us.

But this is reality

And you're the one who seems small now

And you're the one who has questions now

And you're here now to get back what was once yours

And there's absolutely no time to waste in doing so

You ask me again what I want

I still don't know

You ask me again why I called you the night before

I honestly don't know

You ask me again why I like to play games with you

I answer that nobody forced you to come here tonight

Before I rub the bruises on my own arms

The ones you left me when you tried to hold tight to me

Fighting to keep me when I wanted to fly away

Suspense builds up again. It's a cat-and-mouse game between the two of us.

I suddenly find myself inviting you to stay for tea

And I can tell by this exchange

We're about to go back down the rabbit hole

Because I'm slowly, very slowly, letting you in again

Uh, oh, here we go again...